Boundaries, babies and bedtime... A few tips with so many "helping hands"

Writing this blog today is a little raw. It brings so many feelings of how overwhelmed I was when baby came home and the internal battle, feeling like I had to please everyone. I loved this little bundle with all my being and it bought me so much joy to see others with her… it still does bring me so much joy. I love seeing peoples face light up when she crawls to them or laughs with them.

I thought the battle of when to take my baby and when to give her to others would be over once she exited the fresh squishy newborn stage. But no, the battle still lingers occasionally.

You see, it is now my role and my husband’s role to do the best for our little one and I noticed so quickly I was just winging it and it was taking it toll on C. My tendency is to love being around people so much that I just keep going, socialising, cooking, laughing and then when I get home - I crash! Without even knowing, when C was first born I let her function like this…. socialising until she crashed. I didn’t know I needed to protect her sleep, or her comfort - sometimes she just needed mama to hold her.

I struggled asking others for my baby back, or telling them that “no, I am sorry but she's done visiting now”. What really helped me was a conversation with my mother-in-law, I really shouldn’t use that name for her because she is really my other mama, she is a fountain of wise counsel and help. She asked me one day when someone else was holding C, if I wanted her back. Her wise eyes must have seen that fidgety, near tears mother in me wanting to be near her baby. I was honest with her “yes I do, and I know C needs me but I don’t want to disappoint people.”

From then on, she would look at me and helped me learn to ask for my baby back and advocate for what is best for C in these group settings. I now know, that I need to trust C’s need for sleep or security, I need to trust I know what is best and then do what she needs - regardless of others.

Keeping the routine that C has while out with other people is really what makes the next day work too … It means that I can continue to have healthy time out of the house throughout the week because she isn’t wreaked from one massive night out. So here are a couple tips for those around parents of little ones while they are out and about.

These tips are resounding advice from many mamas, often things they think but cannot say.

1. If baby gets upset… walking away with someone’s baby to settle them is not helpful.

When you have a baby, your whole body focuses on baby when they cry. I felt like a could not physically answer questions when my baby was crying, so trying to continue enjoying myself while I know she is in distress was near impossible. Sometimes I was ok with others comforting her, other times it made me feel frantic… one friend described a wedding where someone walking away with her baby to comfort it and she just wanted to run after her but felt paralyzed by obligation.

How you can help? If a baby starts to really get worked up while you are holding it, ask the mama what you can do to help, and if they’d like baby back or would they like you to comfort baby. This gives mama the opening to do what is best for baby without feeling awkward or upset.

2. If you want to see parents or baby … ask when nap times are, and listen!

The best visitors who want to play, hold or help with C are the ones who ask when she naps - or if they want a quality conversation with me, they understand they need to come to me during nap times. The worst visits are often the ones where C needs to sleep, she knows it and I know it but its just not able to happen!
Having a sleep routine does not mean you have no life - it actually means you have more of a life because you know your babies limits, when and how long they can handle with a happy temperament. I know that when she is awake we can adventure and explore, however, I respect her need for sleep so we do these things around her naps.
Even better - come at the end of nap time to do the dishes before visiting!!

3. Ask open ended questions

All too often we see our perspective and not that of mama or baby. It changes when instead of saying “I think baby is hungry” you ask “what do you find helps baby when they’re upset?”

I have had several mamas in bouts of frustration because people say their perspective in form of a question. This makes a mama feel inadequate and as if they are going to offend you if they don’t follow your helpful question. It is always said with love, and this is something all you mama’s need to remember!
However, it is much more helpful to use open ended questions, and if mama is unable to verbalize what she needs then give her space. Instead saying “Let me know if you need a room to be alone with baby, or if you would like to stay here you are welcome”.

4. When it comes to bedtime, don’t interfere.

It is fantastic if parents are able to put their baby down to sleep for the evening or nap time. I remember in the early days of teaching C to sleep in other places, it took time and it got me very self conscious when I didn’t have the space to take the time. It always went best when people carried on with the evening and I was able to take the time to do her full routine to a T and show her around the room she was sleeping in and then calming put her to bed without rushing back because dinner was waiting on me!
Reassure the parents that you are happy to wait and that they are welcome to do what they need to, and if it isn’t going too well then casually remind them that they are not obligated to stay if it isn’t best for baby. There has been a time or two where we have had to exit stage left because C couldn’t sleep from teething, or upset or something of the sort!

We all know everyone loves newborn or even baby/toddler cuddles… however, it turns into a parents nightmare when the vicious circle begins of not letting baby sleep out of obligation and then baby is upset from lack of sleep. Give everyone space and keep things relaxed - this will in turn relax parents.

For more tips on how to support the new mom in your life, watch the video below!