Help! My baby won’t let me leave!: A Guide to Surviving Separation Anxiety
Okay, mamas (and dads, too!), let's be real for a second. Parenting is tough. And in today’s world of social media, it's so easy to get lost in the comparison game. "Why does Beth from work’s baby sleep 12 hours straight and mine is up every 45 minutes?" We’ve all been there. You’re trying your best, but the sleep deprivation is real, and the guilt? Even more so.
But let's talk about something that often gets overlooked: separation anxiety. You know that moment when your baby starts crying the minute you leave the room, or the oh-so-dramatic meltdown that happens every time you try to go to the bathroom alone? Ugh. It’s hard. And if you’re anything like me, you start to wonder, "Am I doing something wrong?"
The thing is, you're not. It's actually a completely normal phase, and as exhausting as it is, it’s a good sign that your baby is attached to you and feels safe with you. So, let’s break this down in a way that feels a little less overwhelming. Here’s how to deal with baby separation anxiety and hopefully get a little bit of space to yourself—without the guilt.
What’s Really Going On?
Separation anxiety usually hits around 6-8 months when your baby starts to realize that, oh snap, just because they can’t see you doesn’t mean you’ve disappeared forever. This is called object permanence. It’s the moment your baby realizes that even when you’re not in sight, you still exist. And that, my friend, is a big deal.
But here’s the thing—when your little one realizes you might leave and not come back right away, it totally freaks them out. (And honestly, can you blame them?) For babies, this is a big emotional milestone, and it’s completely normal. The meltdown when you leave the room? It’s their way of saying, "Hey, please don’t go! I need you!"
Here’s What You Need to Know
Before you start Googling “how to prevent separation anxiety” (spoiler: you can’t), let’s get a few things straight:
Stop comparing yourself to that mom in your Facebook group who says her baby sleeps through the night or is happily playing solo for hours. Social media is a highlight reel, not the full story.
Separation anxiety is normal. It’s a sign that your baby feels secure in their bond with you. So, while it might feel impossibly hard right now, it’s actually a healthy stage in their emotional development.
What to Do When Your Baby Hates You Leaving
Okay, so what can you do to make it a little easier? If you’re dealing with separation anxiety, try these tips to make the process a little smoother—for both you and your baby.
1. Lead By Example
Your baby picks up on your energy. If you’re constantly hovering, it might make them feel like they can’t be safe unless you’re right there. Instead, encourage some independence by letting them explore a room while you stay nearby. It’ll give them a sense of security when you’re not right there.
2. Don’t Avoid It
I get it, leaving your baby crying is hard. But avoiding it altogether? Not the answer. Separation is an important milestone for them to learn. Yes, they’ll cry—it’s ok. They need to understand that leaving doesn’t mean forever.
3. Start Slow
Don’t plan a weekend getaway or a night out for the first time. Start small. Leave your little one with a trusted family member or friend for just 20-30 minutes while you run an errand. Little by little, you can build up to longer separations.
4. Use Familiar Faces
It’s easier for babies to adjust if they’re left with someone they already trust, like a grandparent or a close family friend. Plus, they know that you’re coming back, so it’s less overwhelming for them (and you!).
5. Stick Around for a Bit
When your sitter arrives, don’t sneak out the door! Stay for 10-15 minutes, so your baby can get comfortable. It also helps to say goodbye in a calm and reassuring way, letting them know you’ll be back.
6. Face the Music (Don’t Sneak Out!)
We’ve all tried sneaking out of the house when our baby is distracted, right? But never saying goodbye can actually make things worse. It's important for your little one to know that it’s okay to say goodbye, and that you will return.
7. Create a Goodbye Routine
Babies thrive on consistency. A predictable goodbye routine, like hugs, kisses, and a special phrase ("See you soon, I’ll be back after nap time!") can help them feel secure. Keep it short, sweet, and reassuring.
8. Speak Their Language
Instead of saying “I’ll be gone for 2 hours,” tell them you’ll be back after something in their routine—like after lunch or before bed. This way, they have a better sense of when you’ll be back.
Is This Separation Anxiety or Something Else?
Most of the time, this separation anxiety is just a phase. But if you’re noticing extreme anxiety or behavior that seems out of the ordinary (like persistent fear, not eating, or trouble sleeping), it could be a sign of Separation Anxiety Disorder. In that case, it’s worth chatting with your pediatrician for guidance.
If you want more information on Anxiety in Children, watch my conversation with Counsellor and Child Therapist Shannon Theissen
In Conclusion: It’s All Gonna Be Okay
Separation anxiety is tough. Like, really tough. But it’s also temporary, and it’s a huge step in your baby’s emotional development. As heart-wrenching as those tears may be, they’re a sign of your baby’s secure attachment to you. So, stick with these tips, be consistent, and remember—you’re doing great.
And when you finally get that much-needed date night or solo trip to the grocery store (without any crying!), take a deep breath, mama. You’ve got this.
Sleep Sweetly,
Anna